To Never Meet Your Heroes

Today’s world is filled with parasocial relationships and interactions: a one-sided relationship where one feels familiarity, closeness, or an emotional connection to a public figure to the point of it developing into illusions of intimacy, friendship, and identification… even though said public figure does not even know the individual in any way, shape, or form. It has always existed – the term itself was coined in 1956 – but not quite at this magnitude, nor the different types of it that exists. With social media and live-streaming, the frequency of interactions with and the ability to provide (controlled) views into the personal lives of those public figures has made the phenomenon all the more dizzying.

It also magnifies the inevitable feeling of disappointment and frustration when the public figure does not live up to the high expectations an individual has put upon them, whether unfairly or when the carefully constructed persona conflicts with the values and feelings they thought were in alignment.

“Never meet your heroes.” Whether it is your favourite artist, writer, actor, radio host, athlete, streamer, influencer, local folklore legend… when their true personality is exposed, it will not live up to your expectations. The old adage certainly stands the test of time, and serves as a wise reminder that these esteemed public figures are normal but complex humans, with differing views and feelings on all sorts of topics. We all have flaws, vulnerabilities, imperfections – we are all just normal people with normal lives, with carefully selected events broadcasted to be glorified or besmirched in our best or worst moments.

But these are not normal times, are they? Nor are we dealing with “normal” people anymore, either.

One only need to simply scroll through headlines of the last 48 hours before feeling overwhelmed. Never mind the fact that what we are shown is merely a microcosm of all the events occurring in the world – there’s certainly an argument to be made that our brains are simply not capable of handling all this information, nor all at once, nor at this pace. And assuredly, a lot of what is happening, why it is newsworthy, and why it is worth our attention, is because it is not “normal”.

It is easy (and probably necessary) that we remind and reassure ourselves that we can only control our own actions, and to ensure we have methods of escape to be mentally well and not submit to the doom of it all. But it would also be an error – and more simply, ignorant – to try to compartmentalize, and pretend that these exist within silos or vacuums, and that these topics cannot bleed into one another, either overtly or inconspicuously.

It is also why the people with unacceptable ideals and beliefs work at breakneck speeds to have and to showcase ceremonial events: not to actually celebrate the winners nor to unite people in pride of their country, but to co-opt these ceremonies and rituals for the optics of being seen as winners themselves – and that thusly, their values are not only normal, but are to be revered.

Which brings me to the events of the past week.

For those of us with the privilege of being able to do so, waking up early to be able to pour devoted attention into best-on-best men’s hockey that has not occurred since 2014 was an incredible luxury – and was everything it was built up to be and was sorely missed for over a decade. If only it were not so predictable what would likely happen next.

Trump had already commented that it was “hard to cheer” for American Olympians who spoke against his administration’s policies and actions (most of the focus being on the domestic terrorization of Minnesota by ICE), calling one in particular “a real loser”, and had not otherwise commented on any golds that were won (including the women’s USA Hockey team) – likely out of fear of bringing attention to someone who would ultimately rebuke him in no uncertain terms. But the men’s USA Hockey Team? The champagne had not even been popped before Kash Patel somehow became the centre of attention in the locker room, chugging a beer and having a gold medal placed upon him, and calling up Trump for a last minute invite to the White House and State of the Union – and throw in an (unsurprisingly) belittling and misogynistic “joke” at the expense of the women’s team.

Celebrating best-on-best hockey for the first time in 12 years? Winning the Olympic gold for the first time in 46 years? Honouring Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau by bringing his family to the game and on the ice for photos and parading Johnny’s #13 jersey around during their victory laps? All immediately eclipsed by a manchild and his handlers who immaturely make everything about themselves.

Make no mistake: there were countless offramps that the team and individual players could have taken to remain “apolitical” and bring attention back to the performance and achievements of athletes at the Olympic games (and some players did). But not only did they deflect (“why is everything so political?” and “we are so proud of and are friends with the women, too!”), they doubled down by willingly participating in the most politically-charged event of the year and allowing themselves to be exploited by whatever incels are running the White House social media accounts.

It should hopefully be fairly evident that when they say “keep politics out of sports”, what they mean is to keep your politics out, not theirs. And when presented with the obvious clash of morality and integrity – that it is no longer a kitchen table debate when one’s rhetoric is viscerally racist and misogynistic, whose actions are deliberately divisive and dehumanizing, where they are destabilizing and dismantling democratic institutions, gleefully and greedily robbing the country, threatening several nation’s sovereignties through economic means, enabling a reckless and out-of-control enforcement agency to brutalize communities and shielding them from justice when they kill them in the streets, literally starting wars! – they want to retreat behind the shield of “just an athlete.”

When faced with the worst consequence that these athletes will face as a result of their actions or what they allow themselves to be used for – a few moments of embarrassment and an ask to be accountable to be the leaders of their city and community they present themselves as – they are selfishly no longer interested in such positions. Maybe they will lose sleep over being flown around the continent or having to appear on newscasts, 10-minute interviews, or a comedic show alongside better people to rehabilitate their image. But ultimately, they will have the privilege of being able to go back to their cushy, advantaged lives, shielded from the sudden increase of scrutiny. Players, their agents, and their NHL team's public relations workers are counting on this fact and the passage of time to let this all blow over – and depressingly, they could be right.

But it does not have to be this way. Frankly, I am tired of running cover for grown men with agency who know perfectly well what they are doing. They are not unknowingly being manipulated – arguably, they are the ones doing the manipulation (hello, DARVO). The façade slips and the public image of being supportive of women sports and other community-building events like pride is immediately contrasted against the truth that behind closed doors, when it’s just The Boys: they are laughing at you and accepting invitations to share platforms with the people doing measurable harm to norms and allies, at home and abroad.

When abhorrent individuals put together a last-minute agenda to have the men’s hockey players pose for pictures with Trump and be provided a meal of McDonald’s hamburgers and bottled water, to the exclusion of other Olympians (and it is important to note that if they were to, it would mean acknowledging that 67% of USA’s gold medals were won by women) - it is not a ceremony. They are not being celebrated as Olympic gold medalists. They are being applauded as enablers and implicit endorsers. And they have shown to be more than happy to go along for the ride.

Yes, your idols will disappoint you. You will disappoint yourself, too. But to “never meet your heroes” is to surrender holding important moral standards to live by individually, and to uphold in our communities. When individuals do not live up to those expectations, we should not immediately yield, relinquishing our mutual responsibility as citizens, members of our communities, and generally speaking: being good humans. It is important to reinforce the positive traits and ideals we choose to live by and want to inspire others to live themselves; the bare minimum is to disassociate from individuals and regimes that are all too happy to inflict pain and harm in order to see themselves atop a particular hierarchy and hold power over others.

While this is certainly idealist, I am also a realist: I am not ignorant to the likelihood that when the seven days pass between the State of the Union and the next Jets home game where True North will honour their Olympians, that a lot of the fervour will have passed, and a lot more noteworthy events have transpired (and will continue to transpire) that makes the affairs of Feb 22-24 look insignificant in the grand scheme of things. When Hellebuyck (and Connor) are honoured in-game, I do not expect the volume of boos to come close to the cheers – and I expect that there will be no boos at all if and when it is about Hellebuyck the “Winnipeg Jet” and not the “USA Hockey Player.”

Each of us will need to decide for ourselves what that means and what to do with this knowledge. Will you choose to play the game yourself, to behave in the way that is expected of you to not stand out? Will you admonish and condemn others that do not live to your expectations or clear boundaries on what you are and are not willing to allow? Will you take an approach somewhere in-between, in hopes of inspiring and persuading others and those around you to re-examine their beliefs and values, and their roles as citizens and members of their community?

What will you do when you are face-to-face with your heroes?